Its so crazy for me to be back on my blog again, I'm sure you were probably very puzzled when you saw my blog name pop up on your feed, wondering where on earth this random person has come from. I promise at one point you did follow me and I'm hoping that it was because you liked what I had to say.
It's been over a year since I last wrote a post on this blog, which I had basically given up on after losing a passion for what I was writing. But lately, I've been going through quite a difficult time with friends and generally struggling with discovering who I am and the person I'm turning into. My thoughts have been bashing around my skull for the last few weeks and I haven't felt like I could talk to anyone about it, and then I remembered my long lost blog, buried in the deepest, darkest depths of the internet. I realized how much of a comfort it was to me last year when I could write about anything and have readers that shared my common interests and enjoyed reading what I had taken time to produce. Today's blog is going to be the most ramble-y and jumbled up rubbish you have probably ever read so apologies in advance.
I always rolled my eyes when I heard adults talk about how difficult it was being a teenager. The way they talked about the difficulty adolescents experience whilst "finding themselves", I could never understand what they were talking about and what that even meant, how vague and confusing can you get?? But nowadays I can relate to that phrase more and more and can finally say that I have found myself in the darkest depths of teenage disillusionment.
Suddenly, I realized that I had a small set of very close friends, that although I could have an lot of fun with, I couldn't depend on to have my best interests at heart. I think I only properly had this realization a few days ago when I was involved in quite a serious situation in which I was completely let down by them. I wont go too into detail but it involved underage drinking, an ambulance being called (not for me, don't worry) and my so called "best friends" being nowhere to be seen. I was left with a very lonely feeling in my gut, as I finally came to the realization that everyone is just looking out for number one, and that when you have been let down by everyone that you depend on most that you can only rely on yourself to pick everything back up again.
I have always been a very straightforward person and if you know me, you will know exactly what's going on in my head. If I feel like someone has wronged me, I will never bitch but instead be direct with that person and let them know I've been hurt, and hopefully get an apology. But it has gotten to the point where I genuinely am so emotionally exhausted with having to make a case as to why I deserve to be respected and have my feelings taken into consideration. After months of being left out, put down by the people who's opinions I care about most I am constantly finding myself feeling completely lost and detached from the person I used to be. This combined with exams has made the past few months extremely difficult.
It's only today that I've had the realization that the only people I can really rely on are my family. After that, everyone else is taking care of themselves and its so sad to me that I have now adopted this way of thinking, especially when I have always felt so sure that my group of friends would always look out for each other, but I truly believe that what I am saying is true.
Right now my focus is on me. This summer is about surrounding myself with new friends that only bring good vibes into my life and bringing my mental health back to a good place. It's about falling so deeply in love with who I am that I'll have enough love to share with others. It's about making sure that I am living my best life, and that everything I do has a purpose so that by the end of this year I can come out the other side as a better person who is more fulfilled and happy than before.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this post (if you've made it to the end), I genuinely feel so much lighter now to have turned everything that has been going round my head into words on a screen. And just as a final note, I doubt there will be much on beauty on this blog as it isn't what I personally enjoy writing about, so if that's what you came for feel free to unfollow me, I will understand I promise. Please stay though lol. I have cookies. Okay maybe I'm lying but I will bake some for you at some point I swear. I should probably go now. Okay bye xxxx
the little blue sailboat.